Monday, December 15, 2008

The Worst Date - EVER

This is an old story that I've had on my computer for a year or two, but it is definitely a favorite amongst my friends, so I decided to post it here as well - if only to further the tale of this ridiculously embarrassing event.

Ah, memories. :)


I thought I might let all of you, my loving peers/friends/partners in crime in on one of the worst/funniest/worst/funniest again experiences of my (relatively) young life.

Here's a little back story:

I had been working at LOWE'S for almost 2 years when this ...event... occurred, and I would frequently go across the street to a restaurant (the name has been changed to protect the innocent) to order food on my lunch break.

One day, after frequenting the restaurant for some time, the head chef/waiter guy stopped me and told me that one of the girls that worked there thought I was cute and wanted to go out with me.

Now I have never been presented with this kind of situation in all my life (I.E. a woman asking me out, not vica versa), so I decided to be adventurous, and thought I might give it a shot. He gave me her name and number, and I was off, thoughts of potential-cuddling-and/or-movie-watching (or PCAOMW's) running through my head.

So I gave her a call, and arranged a meeting for the next afternoon.


I picked her up at the aforementioned (or referenced, in this case) place, and proceeded to ask her about herself as I drove around aimlessly. (You know, rule #1 in dating 101 - "Drive around aimlessly while asking her about herself.") I was following that dating etiquette that I just made up, and all was well in the world.

...Until my questioning brought us to the discussion of age. She revealed to me that she was only seventeen years old, which nearly caused me to convulse violently and veer off the road into a roadsign.

To clarify:

I was dating a girl who was five years younger than me, which isn't a problem unless I was 22, which I was at the time. So: underage minor chillin' in my car with me.

Back to the story:

After she told me this interesting piece of information, I informed her that I was in fact twenty-two years old. Here's what she said (this is verbatim):

"Cool! You can buy me booze!"

...Now I don't drink in the first place, so that idea was quickly dismissed from my mind. The secondary element that dismissed said idea even more quickly was the fact that I could be arrested for being with a minor, let alone buying her alcohol. Yeesh.

Oh, it gets better.

Awkwardly, I changed the subject, and asked her what she wanted to do for our first date. She told me that she liked to go dumpster diving on a regular basis, and suggested that.

-Here's a bit of clarification, for you non-Dumpster-Diving aficionados: 'Dumpster Diving' consists of jumping into an open dumpster, and digging through people's discarded trash in the hopes of finding some cool stuff that you may want to keep/use/eat whynot. Yeah.

So, still retaining my adventurous mood (which was now bordering on mild insanity), I agreed to do this deed, if only for the sake of being able to tell someone that I have never met that I have dived into a dumpster with no other purpose than the sheer enjoyment of it all. So, we drove around to a local grocery store, and drove around back to find the dumpster.

She squealed with glee at the sight of a large dumpster (which was probably the one-hundred-and-ninth red flag that she set off in my mind) and pulled out a pair of gloves from her back pocket in preparation. To clarify: she had gloves with her. At all times.

I began to wonder how often she did this, but I decided against it.

THANK GOD that the dumpsters we found were devoid of garbage, because as soon as we left the scene and pulled into the main road, (and after severe disappointment on her part), a police officer appeared behind me and turned on his lights.

So he pulls me over, and tells me that there is no illegal dumping at the grocery store. He told me that illegal dumping was an offense (hence the word 'illegal' I thought..but said nothing), and asked us why we were back there. Now I'm not stupid, so I told him that we were simply lost and took a wrong turn. If I had told him "No, we weren't dumping trash, we were going to dive in and keep some - perhaps to be of use at our next dinner party or masquerade ball" - then I most likely would have been tasered and probably beaten with a nightstick. Hell, if I said that, I'd taser myself.

So he grimaced and grunted something polician, and took my driver's license to run through his records.

I have to admit that the idea did run through my head to 'inform' the police officer that my female passenger was a crack-dealer, if only to get her the hell out of my car. Needless to say, the date wasn't going so well.

After he finished with his police mumbo-jumbo, he told me that if his office deemed it necessary, then I would receive a ticket in the mail for my misfit nature. He drove off.

At this point in my planning, I had desired to go see a movie or eat food of some kind with my date. However, I re-evaluated my situation, and decided to sever the date in an attempt to minimize whatever damage this madwoman still had in her mindf**k arsenal.

As I drove her back to her car at the place we first met, she said the most shocking thing that I have ever heard in my entire life, and I am not exaggerating.

(Be sure to take your shoes off, because when I tell you what she told me, then your socks will be blown off, and I don't want you to damage your shoes. Shoes are expensive.)

...Ready? OK. Here's what she said, verbatim. I am NOT making this up:

"You know, I wonder if it would be considered statutory rape since I'm only seventeen."

...I can't really remember what happened immediately after that point, because I think that 3/4th of my brain shut down, and if I had been able to, I would probably have collapsed into the fetal position and started crying.

I decided then and there that I needed to get this jailbait out of my car as quickly as possible. In fact, she so effectively messed with my mind that I was incapable of decipherable speech for almost 3 minutes. I think I just stared at my windshield and drooled.

As I pulled up to her car, she told me what a fun time she had, and sat there patiently. As she began fluttering her eyelashes and blushing slightly, I realized that she wanted me to kiss her goodbye.

Here's a fun quiz for you at home:

1. Underage High School girl


2. Act which would leave you covered in garbage


3. Police involvement


4. Proposal (Invitation?) to rape an underage girl


A). Kiss her goodnight
B). Drive away as quickly as possible and hope to God she doesn't remember your license plate and/or anything that she could use to track you back to where you and/or your loved ones live

(The correct answer is "B").

I did not kiss her goodnight. Not one single fiber of my being was attracted to her garbage-loving ways. In fact, she may have paralyzed me in ways that would leave me useless to a woman. It was insanity.

So that's the end of my tale. In an odd way, I'm glad that I had the experience, so that in the future - when my kids tell me of a bad date they went on, I can shove them into a chair and SCHOOL them about true horror.

I am a giving sort, so I give this story to you, my companions. May you derive some laughter from my mind-numbing pain.

Here's to horrible dating experiences.

I can now say that I have looked into the face of madness.

And it smiled.

1 comment:

  1. That...was epic. Thanks for something solid to fill the antecedent any time life is bad enough I have to mumble, "At least today wasn't as bad as THAT."