Oh, man - the nerve of me.
Such pompous rigidity is absolutely uncalled for in any circumstance - let alone those of a spiritual nature. Listen, me: I have absolutely no right to demand such things of God.
Just who do I think I am, me... - God?
Look me: I ask entirely too much of God and I do very little in response to what He has already given me.
The very nerve of me is astounding.
This is the thought process that I have been graced with recently, and despite playing up the drama and the absurdity of the whole thing (I don't actually talk to myself that way, unfortunately) - it is a gift from God.
God in all His majesty and grace has lovingly showed me that I'm not as cool as I thought I was.
Let me explain.
During this DTS, I was presented with the concept that God speaks to individuals according to their personalities - such as presenting an artist with a vivid mental picture, or making a word of scripture jump out at a astute librarian.
I have found that God speaks to me through quiet revelation and insight - usually in the form of thoughts and ideas that I can easily mistake as my own.
Through His grace, I have been given divine insight regarding immensely important realities, and I like to believe that His method of delivering them quietly and subtly was to prevent my head from exploding.
He cares for me that way.
Before my time here, I fell easily into negative self-talk, and even more easily mistook it for either my own thoughts, or thoughts from God. It was just a fact of life - I would think negative things, but try to shrug them off - assuming them to be unimportant.
Little did I know that I was being attacked. The enemy had me in his sights, and I was being mauled.
I don't know when or how I began to believe, but I know now that it is the enemy - all of it.
Such an incredible milestone of spirituality - the belief and realization of actual soul-rending spiritual warfare - was given to me as a passing thought, and somehow incorporated into my mentality.
I have also been confronted with a situation that nearly every Christian who has ever lived has dealt with (a broad generalization to be sure, but stay with me) - but one that is very plain and simple when brought into light.
I want God to shower me with His blessings and grace, I want to bask in the knowledge of Him, I want to truly know Him in my heart and mind and to ignite His fire within me.......
....and I want it right now.
"Okay God I'm fasting and praying extra hard today - I've written out all my sins and confessed them - so where is the blinding light that obliterates me into a thousand pieces? Where is the revelation that would cause my heart to beat so fast that it would tear out of my chest and the glory of Heaven would pour out of me?
....Come ON God - I'm getting impatient."
Woof. That's rough.
I'm impatient. I want it all, and I want it right now.
Patience is a virtue, but not really because I'm more important than some stupid old law and I want God to be a circus dog - barking and spinning when I snap my fingers.
God really slapped me in the face with that one. (A kind, gentle, ever-loving father slap, but a slap nonetheless).
He has shown me that I need to relax.
I had forgotten what that word meant.
I was here to be super-Christian - to live an accelerated life that would bring knowledge and grace and Love unbound - and to make up for lost time, basically.
This is the mantra that I tell myself in the morning - it helps to keep me level:
"God is God. I'm not.
Believe. Have faith.
I am safe under His wings.
I have no reason to fear.
I am loved by my Abba."
...simple as that.